Your desk/computer is decorated with ...
A list of your colleagues' phone extensions
A personalised screensaver and a brown banana
Photos cut out of Heat magazine, an amusing photoshopped picture of George Bush looking like a monkey, a hilarious quote from the Onion, a framed picture of your cat, a magic eight-ball, several battery-operated talking toys, including a Kian from Westlife doll, ITV Digital's Monkey ("Mon-keh!!!"), gonks, beanie babies and a miniature Scooby Doo Mystery Machine
How often do you make the tea/coffee, and who for?
You never make it for anyone, because you don't drink it
You avoid making it for others by sneaking up and making a cup for yourself when no one's looking. But you'll never say no if someone else offers to make a round
At least twice a day, and you always ask if anyone else wants one
What is more annoying?
Colleagues who insist on throwing bits of screwed up paper at the bin from a large distance, even though they nearly always miss
Colleagues who moan about all the bits of screwed up paper lying around the bin
Colleagues who always get their bits of screwed up paper in the bin and say "Yessss!" loudly each time
Where do you stand on office whip-rounds for "Jackie on 4th's birthday"?
If you know Jackie, fair enough. If not, please go away
You stand, and walk rapidly to the loo, where you hide until the person bearing the collection envelope has gone away
You are the person bearing the collection envelope and you find it really annoying when people don't chip in, using lame lines like "I never even knew of Jackie's existence until today. Please go away"
What about the use of jovial catchphrases in the office?
Controversially, you think they're alright - The Office has a lot to answer for
They make your colleagues notice you and foster an atmosphere of office levity. Thumbs up!
If you have to repeat something amusing more than once, it wasn't funny the first time
Your favourite mug has disappeared from your desk. What do you do?
You don't have a favourite mug. Only consenting to drink out of one particular cup was how Michael Jackson got started
Drink your tea out of another mug
Immediately send around an office-wide email demanding return of aforementioned mug, which has great sentimental value
It is your first day back at work after two weeks in the south of France. What do you do?
Immediately send round several emails, on spurious work-related pretexts, to make sure everyone in the building notes your return
Keep dropping French phrases into everyday conversation
Put a box of chocolate-based confectionery on your desk and tell everyone to help themselves
A friend has just sent you that hilarious email forward about putting the words "weapons of mass destruction" into Google. What do you do?
Sigh and hit delete
Email your friend back with a much hipper piece of amusing spam
Mental! You immediately forward it to everyone in the office - if they've already had it, they can always delete it
David Brent impressions are . . .
A good way to relieve office tension, if you're having to come across a bit authoritarian to a subordinate
A worrying indication of the impressionist's repressed but correct belief that they do in fact resemble David Brent
In the workplace environment, very hard to pull off without looking like a twat
Which of the following is the best opening gambit in a water cooler/fag break conversation:
Do you think xxxx is getting it on with xxxx?
Did you see Big Brother last night?
God, xxxx is such an annoying bastard, I think I'm going to have to kill him
