Let's cut straight to the chase. Do you believe in God?
One's faith can be stretched at the most difficult times but the light always shines through
Yes, in the sense that there is a higher being, but he's really a big aardvark called Kevin
Of course, it is the very foundation of my being. How could you be head of the worldwide Anglican communion without the strongest faith?
Do you like purple?
Not so much, any more. I had a purple car, but some of the kids at Sunday school stole it
Yes, one of my favourite nightclubs is decked out completely in purple velvet - it really gets me going
Yes, especially big purple robes, and purple-bottomed collecting plates are so pretty. A nice purple shirt with a dog collar also looks the business
What do you think about women?
They make great bishops. The church must be progressive without becoming too radical and alienating our more conservative supporters
They look great in bikinis
They are fantastic. And the ladies at my little church make the most heavenly angel cakes
One of the perks of the job is having the keys to Lambeth Palace, which sits imperiously overlooking the Thames. What do you think about this?
It's the only reason I'm here to be honest. I thought I could have a mooch around and see if anything's worth fencing, and once you get a proper sound system in there, you are looking at some big parties
It will be roomier than the vicarage
It seems inappropriate to acquire such grandeur, but I would use its space untiringly while furthering the best interests of the church
What do you understand by the expression 'primate of all England'?
The position of Archbishop of Canterbury
A really big monkey
The heads of all Anglican provinces are called primates, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is the primate of all England
Is there anything in your past that would be embarrassing to the church if discovered by the press?
I have to admit that in my early, wild days, I once spent nearly all my money on ice cream and only put £3 on the collection plate. I live with that every day
There are those pictures with me and that rock star, but I lost most of them while I was in prison
As a second world war hero, I think the press would be more interested in my tales of God-inspired derring-do as a younger man
Which contemporary religious figure do you most admire?
Dr George Carey. He did a very good job. But of course the church needs to change with a changing world
The Pope
The Reverend Lovejoy in the TV cartoon The Simpsons
Which figure from the Bible do you most identify with?
I have always been very taken with Paul's teachings
Beelzebub
The good Samaritan, I have always tried to model myself on such selfless dedication to helping others
One of your tasks as Archbishop of Canterbury is leading the coronation of new monarchs. So, what do you think of the royal family?
I have my private views. I am broadly supportive. I would not let any opinions of mine impede the best interests of the church
I hate them. It would take everything not to give a new king a good smack in the kisser just as I placed that stupid crown on his over-privileged head
They do a very good job for Britain and in their promotion of the Anglican church
What are the difficult issues that you would have to face in your new role?
Women bishops; homosexuality; whether the church should agree to remarry divorcees and the recently recommended union with the Methodists
Just keep everything ticking along, and try to stop congregation numbers falling
Which social occasions to go to. Some of them sound like there is going to be good food. But you get there and you're like, okay, so tell me, where exactly is the buffet?
